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The Emperor’s New Clothes
Gather around as the one-act players weave for you the tale of the Emperor’s New Clothes. Once upon a time in a far away land there lived an emperor who was very vain. All he cared about in the world were his fine clothes and all he thought about was how to get finer ones.
(Emperor) ‘Oh Hives, now what’s this called again?’
(Hives) ‘A zoot suit, Your Majesty.’
(Emperor) ‘There, how does it look?’
(Hives) ‘Oh, very becoming, Your Majesty.’
He was always the first to take up the latest fashion. He was never satisfied with anything less than the best.
(Hives) ‘Your Nehru jacket has arrived, Your Majesty.’
(Emperor) ‘Splendid! Help me on with it. Well, what do you think?’
(Hives) ‘Oh, on you, it looks good, Your Majesty.’
The emperor’s fame as a lover of fashion spread far and wide. And one day two strangers presented themselves at the palace.
(Hives) ‘Snip and Stitch, Your Majesty, master tailors.’
(Snip) ‘Snip’
(Stitch) ‘and Stitch at your service, Your Majesty.’
(Snip) ‘We are the finest tailors in the kingdom, Your Majesty. So of course we wanted to serve the one person in all the world who can fully appreciate our talents.’
(Emperor) ‘Quite right, quite right.’
(Sounds of voices) ‘Quite right.’
(Snitch) ‘We propose to create for Your Majesty a suit of clothes such as the world has never seen (laughs). A suit of clothes made from a singular fabric that we alone know how to make.’
(Snip) ‘This cloth is fashioned from diamonds (Stitch: ‘and gold’), rubies, pearls (Stitch: ‘and gold’), opals, emeralds, sapphires (Stitch: ‘and gold!’) and of course gold’.
(Snitch) (laughs)‘ Of course’
(Emperor) ‘Oh, of course. Of course!’
(Snip) ‘But the most remarkable property of this cloth is that it cannot be seen by fools or people who are unfit for the office they hold.’
(Snitch) ‘Think of the possibilities, Your Majesty.’
(Emperor) ‘Possibilities? Oh yes! Quite right, I must have this suit. You must make it for me. Money is no object.’
(Snip and Stitch)’Quite right’
(Emperor) ‘Oh Hives, instruct the imperial treasurer that all the gold and the finest gems of the treasury shall be placed at these tailors’ disposal.’
(Hives) ‘Oh of course, Your Majesty.’
The tailors took over a room in the palace and set to work at once. Now these tailors were not tailors at all, but swindlers who were-
(Snip interrupting) ‘I beg your pardon, “entrepreneurs”.’
(Snitch) ‘huh’.
They were filling their own pockets with the gold and jewels given to them. Day after day, they pretended to weave their remarkable cloth on looms that were in fact empty. They measured the emperor for a suit they would never make.
(Snip) ‘Inseam 22’
(Snitch) ‘Inseam 22’.
(Snip) ‘Waist 54’.
(Snitch) ‘Waist fifty-‘
(Emperor) ‘Wait, wait!’
(Sound of emperor breathing in).
(Snip) ‘Waist 54.’
They spent long hours in their work room cutting and sewing nothing at all. From time to time, the emperor would send members of his court to visit the tailors and report on their progress.
(Snip) ‘See the quality, my lords.’
(Snitch) ‘I’ll wager you’ve never seen this before.’
The courtiers were shocked to see nothing on the looms and nothing in the hands of the tailors. They did not want to appear fools or unfit for their offices. So… (voices cheering and clapping). And when they reported back to the emperor:
(Emperor) ‘How are my master tailors getting on?’
(Voices cheer and clap).
At last the day arrived when the tailors pronounced:
(Snip) ‘Your Majesty, your suit of clothes is finished.’
(Emperor) ‘Excellent! Bring it in, bring it in. Oh, Hives, help me off with this leisure suit.’
(Hives) ‘Very good, Your Majesty’.
With great ceremony, the tailors carried the imaginary outfit into the emperor’s private chambers. The emperor could see nothing at all, but not wanting to be thought a fool…
(Emperor) ‘Oh wonderful, a masterpiece’
(Sounds of clapping). The emperor dutifully put on each invisible article of clothing they handed him.
(Snip) ‘Breeches, spats, blouse, weskit’
(Stitch) ‘And don’t forget the cummerbund, Your Majesty.’
(Snip) ‘And, the frock coat.’
(Emperor) ‘Oh, how do I look?’
(Hives) ‘Look? Stunning, Your Majesty.’
(Snip) ‘Regal’
(Snitch) ‘Imperial’
(Emperor) ‘Yes, I do, don’t I?’
(Voices) ‘Yes!’ (Sounds of clapping)
A great procession had been planned so the emperor could show off his splendid new clothes to his subjects. People from all over the country lined the streets of the city. The emperor appeared at the head at a long train of attendants and courtiers. The crowd could see no clothing at all on the emperor, but disinclined to appeared fools to their neighbours.
But one young boy sitting on his father’s shoulders to get a better view called out:
‘Look papa, the emperor has no clothes on!’’
(Sounds of shocked voices)
(Emperor) ‘Stop!’
The emperor commanded his train to stop. He looked slowly down at himself and then up at the little boy who had called out those fateful words. And then:
(Emperor) ‘Guards, away with that boy!’
The emperor had the boy and his entire family arrested and thrown into the dungeon to be beheaded. The procession then continued and one by one, for the rest of the people had learned, you see, the difference between seeing what you saw and saying what you saw. And they at least lived happily ever after.
(Emperor) ‘Hm, seems a bit chilly’.
(Voices) ‘Oh yes-yes- does seem a little bit cold-quite chilly’
You’ve been listening to the Emperor’s New Clothes, a one-act audio theatre production, featuring Scott Crisp as the emperor, Digby Christian as Hives, with Glen Carlson as Snip, Terry Dien as Stitch and narrated by Blanca Nieves Adapted for audio theatre by Jim Cort, This was recorded and engineered by Bob Lindner at Lindner Sound in San Francisco, produced and directed by Glen Carlson, Scott Crisp and the one-act players who invite you to visit our website at www.oneact.org